… yet!! Yeah I know. This will be one of those blog posts that when I DO die (and I will, It’s a proven fact) people may go back and read and be all like ‘how creepy!’ But whatever, that is neither here nor there, and those people will be missing the point anyway.
Here is my point. I am finally at it, five years later.
Today marks the five year anniversary of the day we had to take my Mom off life support. At 1:30 p.m. in the hospital for special care, surrounded by my amazing family. As my oldest sister Tere pontificated on her own blog ‘shouldn’t there should be a commemorative coin or something’ to mark our big 5-0. Right?
See at this point, it’s like get over it already. People are sympathetic still, yeah. But I know better. When they ask ‘How long ago was it?’ And I say five years? I see the smallest flicker of ‘Jesu Christo and you’re STILL bummed?’ Well maybe not the Jesu Christo part…lol but it’s a good honest question that none of them will ask.But I will tell you.
Yes. I am still totally and completely bummed.
This winter I had to watch a friend start his journey to the place where I am. And it rocked my world to its core. Watching him join this sad club at the same time of year under very similar circumstances that I joined brought back every single excruciating detail of when my Mom died. Right down to the big snow storm on the day of her memorial. And she loved quilting! ug. But at least in my mind our Mom’s are cold chillin up in heaven quilting and are happy that their kids are here for each other…
Which brings me to my point.
I FINALLY realized that I have / had survivor’s guilt like a mo fo! Now this is by no means a clinical diagnosis, rather a self diagnosis after watching years of Grey’s Anatomy, Dexter and other melodramatic tv shows and movies that deal with death and their survivors. I mean crap I STILL have angst over when Edgar died on 24 like 4 seasons back!!! Can you feel me????? But that poor sap Edgar died the year after my Mom died and it hit me like crazy. Poor freaking Edgar. And George from Grey’s? Dam that was a hard one!
But. Those deaths helped me see something in myself that I struggled with the entire time my Mom was slowly dying in her hospital room. That I should be enjoying my life WAY more than I was. That I should savor the fact that I could breathe on my own without dragging a little tank of oxygen around, doing all the breathing for me. That I didn’t have people staring at me and my sad little oxygen tank and think ‘did she smoke?’ and then in the next thought think that I deserved this slow painful death. I could walk freely, breathe freely. I could drive a car, I could go swimming, I could walk in the sand, I could run down the stairs, I could laugh so hard I lost my breath and not fear that I was going to never regain it. I could climb down the viny embankment and enjoy that little river in our backyard. I could fix dinner. I could decide what I wanted to have for dinner!
And this was all while she was dying. I felt all this, and struggled with it all.
So after she died it was like a bungee cord was cut and I was snapped with such force out into the world! Holy crap! I was like WHAT??? I CAN totally breathe on my own! I CAN walk! So I started to run. I ran several 5K’s. My business exploded. I dove headfirst into my work. I felt creative and alive and happy and fulfilled.
But what’s that with a bungee cord? It snaps your ass back! So here I am now. Five years later. Feeling a little melancholy! I realized a few weeks ago that I had been slowly letting the things I cared the most about (or the things I should care about the most) slip. Like myself. I am turning into an old house that is care worn and just needs a little fixing up and love to be restored back to its glory. Well. Maybe more than a little! So I have made every appointment I can make to get this old girl back on track. From just getting a pedicure to the hoo ha doctor to the regular old MD to get my elbow and heel on the mend to getting my mind on the mend to mending damaged relationships with some of the most important people in my life. I signed up for a yoga studio this month to ease back into stretching and relaxing and getting ready for this season. I am totally on operation C10 overhaul, and I am loving it!
Because I just realized something very, very important.
I AM NOT DEAD YET. bloop!