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Eyes up, heart open

Carla Ten Eyck

dead mom’s club year nine

Georgie'sCandiedApples

 

Even though my Mom physically left this world nine years ago today, the best parts of my her have stayed here. My Mom had a heart as big as the world and it shone brighter than the sun. And with that big, blazing heart of hers my Mom taught me that everyone is deserving of being loved. That love was unconditional. That everyone deserves a candy apple.

I wanted to take the time to thank my Mom for all of the lessons I have learned along the way, in life… that I am only now seeing as a 41 year old mother of two children. Let me clear about one thing… just because someone dies, it does not make them a revered saint. This is something that I have struggled with over the years, and have felt such guilt at remembering things about my Mom that used to drive me nuts. Some of the things I wish I could take back and do over, and others just make me laugh now. She was a flawed, imperfect woman. But she was the only Mom I will ever have.

Thank you Mom for literally walking me out the door to the very edge of the front porch steps each time I left. It used to drive me crazy, because when I wanted to leave I just… wanted to leave. My Mom would get her little walker out, and shuffle out after me slowly, dragging our conversation out even longer… wanting me to just stay and spend time with her. I regret feeling like I wanted to leave, so so much. I am literally filled with a giant aching heart as I write this. What I wouldn’t give for those long, drawn out goodbyes on the front porch with you, Mom.

Thank you for showing me how many forms family comes in. Family is beyond just literal flesh and blood for us, and five of my adopted brothers and sisters are proof of that.

Thank you for just enjoying spending time with me in our later years. I miss our talks, watching Rachel Ray and Buffy the Vampire Slayer with you. I loved being given the space to just dream out loud with you, never imagining where my life would lead me now. How I wish I could share my life with you… from all of these big, crazy things I have been so honored to be a part of.. to all of these quiet, wonderful everyday things.

I used to worry about ending up alone in life, like my Mom. Happy, loved by many but not by the one person that I would ride my rascal with in my later years, high-fiving over a great game of cribbage in our retirement community. Now, I don’t worry so much. I know my heart is sending out its beacon, and that one person that is meant to hear it will come to me, in time. And I know, my Mom is there, ushering this person gently to me.

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